Ride the waves

You know that from your empty way of life inherited from your ancestors you were ransomed—not by perishable things like silver or gold

 

Prisoner?

My parents separated when I was in my teens, something to do with pressure from extended family, they never divorced for some reason. I was too preoccupied with teenage hormones to understand fully what happened. I came back from boarding school one half term and went to live with my mother and her sister.

My mother had done a good job supporting (well I call it concealing) my dad’s mental illness. She contained it within an intimate circle. This made it easy for me to wear a mask to face the world in spite of the turmoil inside of me.  She wasn't around him to cover him, I had to be mentally prepared for the bad, the ugly and the very ugly to go on blast. My dad for the first time was not around me every day,  I couldn't control the message to the world any more.  I had to accept that the world would sometimes hear gossip about him before I did.  

I wasn't prepared for the ignorance that was spoken.

I decided to be free

There is something at the core of who we are that longs to belong, to adhere to a set of societal norms. But who sets these norms? Why is it that we have to speak, act, behave or be a set way before we become accepted? What is the appropriate image? Who decides?

People will pass judgement, categorising others all the time. The difficulty with labels is that labels will keep you trapped in categories. It’s your job not to let the outside get inside of you.

My life story contradicted the act I put on, people considered me outgoing, bubbly and energetic. The truth was I was conflicted.  No one understands the struggles you face unless they walk in your shoes. To others your challenges may be minuscule but to you they rock your world.

  

I wasn't going to hide nor feel ashamed of this truth any more. This may have been the start of my life but it wasn't about to define the end. I decided it wasn't going to control me, I was going to reach up stand on this thing’s shoulders and launch myself into my future. I have since come to accept and embrace this truth.

It’s never the thing, it’s how you think about the thing that will hold you back. So now instead of cowering when I look in the mirror, I look at it and say Gurrrrrrrrl you’re so fine! 

As one writer once wrote…. those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind.