Check Mate

The richness of Africa lies in the bedrock of its diverse culture.

Does it have to be this way?

I somewhat believe children are moulded by the family culture into which they are born. There are certain cultures in my country of birth that are either matrilineal or patrilineal. This simply means, among many other things, that a couple’s children are either the mother’s or the father’s entire responsibility. My father’s culture was matrilineal, meaning I was my mum’s entire responsibility, whilst my mother’s was patrilineal meaning the total opposite. I was stuck in the middle, caught up in the vortex! 

Although this practice has evolved in the newest of generations, my father’s relatives chose to exercise their perceived right to this culture when dealing with me and my siblings. 
From their perspective, it meant my siblings and I had no business expecting any parental support emotional or otherwise from my father.  My dad was responsible, according to them, for my paternal aunt’s children - sounds crazy right? I spent many years fighting this!

I remember a group of them coming to my mother’s house when my parents had separated to demand of my mother that my siblings and I were to stop spending time with my father as the general consensus was we were draining my father’s resources. You've got to laugh or maybe admire a little the audacity to pull off such a request.

I struggle to capture in a few words the effect this treatment had on how I saw myself. Rejection is fertile, it breeds, at that time it was already beginning to give birth to insecurity babies.  I spent my life trying to shrink myself, trying to become something that I thought people would approve of. In my mind I needed to be a little bit quieter, a little bit less sensitive, and a little bit less opinionated. I needed to be the right level of needy and definitely a lot less of crazy. Gradually I developed an emotional hard exterior to protect myself from the hurt. I developed a ring of resolve and a quiet voice internally began to say to the situation - I will bypass you!

I did.

My life is not a finished story, it's a jigsaw puzzle still being put together; Check Mate allows me to confront just one of the pieces.  I often think I wish I knew then what I know now, that our lives are much more than the memories of our experiences and maybe all that is required, is the art of embracing ourselves. I'd given my family too much power. 

Trusting me

Healthy relationships feel good, they feel right, they don’t hurt, they’re not painful and they definitely don’t make you paranoid.  I suspect there are people all over the world who are like me, struggling with friendships, bound by the complexities of relationships that probably are calling for a separation. Life puts a requirement on us to reduce or eliminate contact with people that suffocate us, bring misery as opposed to happiness. Life requires that we check those in our lives that do not reflect or allow us to be who we aspire to be.  

My father has since passed, he would have been proud of who I have become. I hold no resentment, I have a good relationship with some of my family, sometimes forgiveness demands it. 
It is what it is.

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture………..